Here There Be Milk Demons

Hello everyone, just a post to make sure you know I’m not dead, and will be getting caught up for real this time. I was sick for about a week with some sort of virus. You know, the kind that robs you of your voice while giving you a headache and occasional nasal drippiness. I am better now, or was, until I decided to drink plain milk for the first time in about 9 months.

No, it wasn’t rotten. I bought it this morning and had just opened it like an hour before. See, I’m going to a potluck tomorrow and I was going to make no-bake cookies (which have set up nicely and look ready to be an epic win, btdubs), requiring me to buy cow’s milk, something I never have on hand. I gave it up early last year because I like soy better, it makes me feel better, cow’s milk is full of creepy hormones, and so on. Except that soy milk here is sort of like lutefisk in Mexico, so I have been basically milk-less for most of my time so far.

Well, I figured after buying this litre or so of milk (.5% fat- the closest they have to skim in these parts), what is it I have not had in ages and ages? Oh, that’s right, a bowl of cereal- with milk. I figured that this half-percent stuff couldn’t be that bad, right? And just a little in a bowl of cereal. Which became two bowls because the cereal was this Lithuanian stuff called Romeo that I really like but is basically Coconut Puffs. Like Cocoa Puffs, only the other Coco (other than Conan O’Brien). Well.

About an hour later they arrived- the Milk Demons. As stealthily as they entered, they were very abrupt and forward in their onslaught of angry, milky pain knives.

Oh, sweet mother of baby owls, does it hurt…

But anyway, yes, it sort of feels like they are cutting up my intestines, culling and harvesting like so much organ meat. No more plain milk for me, ever. Pass the soy, or better yet the rice, my friends.

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Author: elizabethlorraine

Writer, actress, runner, knitter, and geek.

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