I haven’t written in awhile. I could explain why but really there is no one reason. I was tired, I was busy, I was moderately depressed for reasons I don’t even feel the need to get into again, and then I was at home and doing a huge lot of things over just a few weeks. And now I am back in _________, Europe (yes, still trying for the semi-anonymity, we’ll see how far that goes).
School starts this week for my second, and likely last, year. I’m looking forward to it, more than I think I was last year, although I have new subjects for the most part. I also am looking forward more to traveling, to holidays, to lots of things. I don’t know if it’s because of changes- people I didn’t have much in common with left, one of my best friends and some other cool people arrived-, just not being new anymore, or what, but I feel mostly positive about the year. Again, we’ll see how far that goes…
Something else I am trying to be positive about and struggling more with is my writing. I wanted to do so much this calendar year, and have hardly tried since March. I was hit with this weird semi-depressed feeling for awhile, and that was part of it, but the thing that has plagued me since I was a kid and first wanted to tell stories is how to get started, and even more, how to continue. I come up with writing ideas like some people come up with weekend plans. They come to me in dreams, on runs, at meetings, even during classes. But I always start them, or write up some notes, or something else, and then they sit in the enormous vault that is my mind until I almost forget they’re there. I mean I remember, but it gets to be like those goblins and Gringotts. I check them every once in awhile, some it seems I only check maybe once a decade, but I don’t actively try to protect them or fix them or see if they should be withdrawn. How do I do that?
Writers say to write every day. But what do you write? I tried that and it felt overwhelming, it always does. I also tried to read every day, and that helped too, but it wasn’t quite enough. I still haven’t found the one thing to be enough to make me really use what I have in my head. So that is something else, on top of everything else, for me to conquer.
In the meantime I have done A. LOT. of knitting. I will try to be more visual with that too, people like pictures, I guess, and knitting is a way to feel accomplished and creative without actually trying to do anything to difficult, at least that’s how it feels for me.
I suppose part of my issue is that I am becoming more and more sharply aware that my brain does not work like the brains of other people. Not always in a way I would call better, exactly, it just is different. I joke- and sometimes don’t joke- that I am autistic, but I’ve never been tested. My friends, and even this summer my mom, have asked why I would even want to be, and the reality is I don’t know. To prove it, I guess? But the truth is even if I were “on the spectrum”, as it were, that would have little effect on my day to day at this point. People don’t go to special ed classes at the age of almost 24 (When did that happen?). I’m past the point of people teaching me how to share and colour inside the lines and sit patiently while the boring man talks, and stop fidgeting and look at me when I talk to you and why can’t you eat like a normal person anyway. For better or worse I’m past the basic formative years, and mostly functional, most of the time. I suppose sometimes I just wonder.
Anyway, more blogging, more commenting, hopefully more traveling and picture taking even. We’ll see.