I haven’t been good at keeping a blog since I moved to Minnesota. Which, incidentally, is when I got a job working in retail. In that time I haven’t been very good at blogging or writing in general, as you could guess if you read even a couple of posts on here from that time period.
What you might not guess right away is that I also haven’t been that good at much of anything else.
I have to get real, finally- I hate my job. I like the people I work with, for the most part, the company is fine- but I hate my job. I hate the hours, I hate the tasks, I hate the redundant and brainless feeling it gives me.
In April I left the position I was working at one location and moved to a new position at a location closer to where I live. It would be easy to blame this move entirely, because the position I have now, as basically a cashier, is way more repetitive than my last. But really, my personal decline has been over a year in the making. Now that I have a chance to go forward, I realize it…almost all at once.
1. I’ve started hating exercise.
I started running in college. While teaching abroad, my workouts were more sporadic than they had been in the past, but I still did them- now, though, it’s a struggle to even get out the door for longer than twenty minutes. I’m signed up for a marathon in October. My longest run has maybe been 4 miles.
2. I don’t eat well.
I guess compared to a lot of people I’m still not eating badly. I don’t drink, I don’t eat meat. I stopped eating wheat last fall. I buy things like fruit and spinach and sometimes I even eat them. But when I want a snack I almost always go for the ice cream or cheese, and it’s hard to stop myself from eating more when I know I’m full.
3. I’m always tired.
My job is a weird schedule, but it’s not just that. I feel like I’m always stressed out and tired. I also get pain in my ankles and feet, which is part of why exercising has gotten so hard. As much as I need a full time job, if I worked full time in what I’m doing now I would probably get a horrible injury.
4.I don’t write.
I’ve been struggling to write regularly pretty much as long as I’ve been struggling to write, period, but I could probably count the number of times I worked on an actual story of mine in the last year on one hand. If I do write now it’s usual journal style, which had its place but doesn’t really stimulate my stories, or it’s a blog post that I might not even finish, let alone post.
5. I’m a slob.
I used to be at least mostly organized. I had clean clothes, or at least everything dirty was in the same place. I knew where things were. Now cleaning my room feels like it doesn’t do anything- I can’t figure out what to get rid of or where to put things…of course it doesn’t help that I can’t afford any new furniture. Oh, and most of my clothes are super casual and many are getting worn out, because way too many of them were too cheap to begin with.
6. I’ve gained weight.
This probably isn’t surprising considering the first two items on the list, but actually, what surprises me is that I’m surprised. I had to buy a suit this weekend (more on that later), and i was shocked at how badly everything fit. I mean, I’ve never been great it more fitted and formatted clothes- they just aren’t great on people with actual curves- but this was humiliating. I brought my roommate with me because I know she will never lie to me about things looking bad, but still- the number of times she said “…I think you need to try one size up,” and whatever I was trying on still didn’t fit, was something I’ve never encountered before.
When I was heavy in high school it was different, I knew I was and I knew what size I was and it was easy to at least buy something that fit, even if I didn’t feel like I looked that great in it. When I lost weight in the beginning of college it was a little hard to adjust, but still- I’ve been wearing roughly the same size since then, for over 7 years, with just a couple bumps up or down since. Most of my clothes even still fit pretty well, probably because a lot of them are dresses or skirts with elastic waistbands. But this morning I made myself actually stop and do my measurements, and they don’t lie. I am not the same size I was a year ago or probably even six months ago. And I feel like it happened while I was busy doing something else.
All these realizations feel like they came at a terrible time…but I have to just get over it, because I finally have a chance to go forward.
I have an interview this week for what feels like the perfect position- a small, non-profit company; regular hours; benefits; business casual environment where I can actually make myself look and feel good every day. It’s the kind of thing that could bring me out of all this and give me a reason to do the things I really want to do again. I would also double my income, based on increased hours and increased wage.
Of course, I just highlighted all the reasons I feel like a mess, so this is going to be hard…but I also just pooled all my money together to pay for a suit, I have shoes I bought on a whim two months ago because I needed black heels, and the one thing I actually have been getting better at in recent months is makeup. Here’s hoping I can do this, or this is going to remain the most depressingly boring blog ever.